On page 147 of my book The Shack, I read a simple paragraph- making so clear the dynamics of women and men:
“The World is broken because in Eden (we) abandoned relationship with (God, son, Holy Spirit) to assert (our) own independence….The women’s desire- and the word is actually her ‘turning.’ So the women’s turning was not to the works of her hands but to the man, and his response was to rule ‘over’ her, to take power over her, to become the ruler. Before the choosing, she found her identity, her security, and her understanding of good and evil only in (God), as did man.”
Yesterday, I made a dumb decision. I decided it would be beneficial or interesting to look through old messages with an ex-boyfriend. I read through essays of my pleas (and whines) with him to treat me better, to be conscious of how I felt, which were followed by his sentence of a response “well love sucks, they wrote a song on it” or a basic ‘get over it.’ Emotional and saddened, I kept reading- further realizing my complete dependence on him and acceptance of whatever treatment he decided to offer. I couldn’t get it out of my head. I actually wanted to shake myself!! It was as if he could do no wrong and with a simple “I love you,” my point was swallowed up and no longer worthy of discussion.
I guess its hard to explain. I don’t believe that it was self-worth that I was lacking. I thought a lot of myself most the time…but it was because, in comparison to others, I had checked off quite a few things on the life list that society pushes down our throats (including “get a boyfriend/ be loved”) (BY THE WAY- these comparison thoughts were totally wrong of me) At that time, I viewed being deeply loved as important to value, and, with fingernails dug in, I held on to that with all of my might.
Being deeply loved is a desire for people, but its plague for women has never been so clear to me. I went on facebook today to see that one dating couple I know is still together, fighting through cheating allegations, horrible treatment, and physical pressures. IT BROKE MY HEART. I KNEW her desperation for the relationship to work…and I knew that her cheating and abusing boyfriend knew her desperation as well. While she fought for that ultimate romance that society idolized, he pushed the boundaries.
God has helped me. Instead of looking AT her, I felt her pain. I, as a woman, know all too well of this inner battle. Today, I emotionally THANK THE LORD for His GRACIOUS love, complete protection, and unfailing assurance and affirmation---
and that He showed me a loving pursuit- both through friends and through HIM-literally HIM-God! He was pursuing me the whole time- even when I chose a man’s pursuit over His---
Over the love of the One who designed this man-woman relationship to begin with. WHAT CORRUPTION!
It was at this point that I read a few pages of The Shack. The words flowed from the page into my mind and clarified all of my wonderings. As much as women can deny it, there is something engrained in us to seek this affection. But as I go back and forth about this, I don’t think it’s a wrong feeling. I guess I just think that ideally, the feeling would be redirected.
Some push the idea of being adored down into themselves because they have been scorned; some seek it with all of their energy because they have seen its beauty; and some even betray others for what seems to be the greatest gift.
That’s the unfortunate part. It was designed for good. (Good- as in God’s version of good, for He defined it in creation). In Genesis, He created woman and man to complete each other in a pure, completely GOOD way, but with the fall in Genesis 3:16, God told the woman, “Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you.”
The main tragedy to this is that the desire is for man and, many times, not God. Man will never be able to completely fulfill this longing, leaving women in times of disappointment, sadness, loneliness, and desperation. Seeking perfection from the imperfect does not make sense.
But one option we have as children and lovers of THE PERFECT ONE is being a part of a PERFECT love story. -The Notebook film times infinity- with more passion, more sacrifice, and more dedication.
In The Shack, the character sought for a way out of this plague’s effect:
“Is there any way out of this?
To which the Jesus character in the book answered, “By Re-turning…by turning back to me.”
But He adds that “Women in general will find it difficult to turn from a man and stop demanding that he meets their needs, provides security, and protects their identity, and return to me.”
So, I guess that’s what I wanted to share. Trust me, I know the feeling of dependence on guys. I have put a LOT of hope into men that return the love with carelessness and inappropriate comments- both to me and to other women. And I am so sorry that this happens. It truly sucks. And to be honest, if I were to read this little blog while in the relationship, I probably would have came back with
“Well, his good makes up for his bad”
or “I can’t be without him”
THAT’S THE PLAGUE. And it leaves two options-
With hope in the Lord, you are loved!! You are loved so deeply- I want you to know!
With hope in men, there is the possibility of getting scorned…maybe not now, maybe not ever. But one fact is that they will never provide for you what Christ can. I promise.
One last thing:
You know that joy when you find out that you are loved by a person? I would walk around with a spring in my step and a huge grin. For years, I would walk to class trying to think of my most romantic moments, and I would glow!
BUT one of my favorite memories is from the day that that changed. I was still smiling and beaming (more than ever!)…but it wasn’t because of any boy. It was because of God and His love. I didn’t think that such a gap could be filled by God, but it was and it is…and it IS better.
