Someone asked if I was willing to trust God, despite being let down by others.
I sat and contemplated. I wish it was an easy "yes" for me. I wish that I had more of a carefree spirit or trusting nature like other people seem to have. But I feel damaged. I've been hurt by people, by the world, and it feels an awful lot like I've been hurt by God.
Does anyone else feel like God has personally set out to hurt them??? I know it's a false thought, but it's a feeling...and feelings aren't always completely truth-based. I guess it's great if it's just me and no one else feels like this...but this blog is for others that may have had this thought too.
I feel like I let God lead and it hurt me. I'm not talking about sinning and getting hurt, I'm talking about following where you know God is leading you and even holding His hand, and then receiving a hurtful outcome. It is easy to doubt God's faithfulness. Questions come to mind: "So wouldn't trusting Him go against my logic??" "I don't want to be an idiot and I don't want to keep getting hurt, so where do I go from here?"
THEN
I had a little image pop into my head last night.
When I am nannying, I have to hold my girl's hand as we cross the street. If there is a car coming, I will hold tightly and sometimes she'll trip over her steps a bit. She'll look at me and give me a pretty impressive scowl and tell me that I hurt her because she tripped.
"Sorry darlin, I wanted you to be safe and not get hit by those cars"
Similarly, I get mad when I follow God and get hurt. Maybe Bible characters did this too. Maybe Moses whined about food in the desert, and maybe the disciples started to wonder why they were hated so much. Actually, maybe this is why God is so firm about telling us to 'rejoice in trials.'
I have a pretty impressive scowl too and I use it to tell God that I am less than pleased that I just tripped over some sharp rocks while holding His hand. After all, it feels like He is the one leading me to situations that end up hurting me.
Then He showed me that He is, was, and will always be protecting me from things that could REALLY hurt me (the cars).
I went through examples in my life- times when I felt like he asked me to do something that really hurt me afterwards.
-He’ll use me to tell someone something, but then I’ll be rejected.
-He’ll use me to love a friend and then they’ll leave me.
-He'll tell me to go to a place, where I end up being persecuted
HE BROUGHT ME TO SOMETHING AND THEN IT HURT ME.
My deepest doubts surface: 'I can’t trust God. He’ll use and abuse me. I’m hurting.'
I'm talking about times where God has put it on my heart to go somewhere or do something...and then I end up getting hurt. I don't think pain was necessarily His plan for it...but we live in a world where that happens. And I blamed God.
How could God have brought me to do that particular thing?? How was he possibly "with me"? I felt like I had trusted Him and now I am left aching. Why didn’t He just carry me? Then it’d be easy and painless. Why did we even have to go there at all?
I'm sure that is how my girl feels when she gives me her hand to cross the street. Sometimes, to get where we need to go, it's easy. Sometimes, I hold her hand, she stumbles, and she says "Oww!" (Like I mentioned before). It's hard. But what if she stopped trusting me just because she hit some bumps?
I am protecting her from things that could destroy her, just like God is protecting me from things that could really hurt me (and my walk with Him).
Carrying her is faster and better sometimes, but walking teaches her the way. Maybe that’s why God doesn’t always carry us past everything hard. Maybe He is teaching us how to walk. And maybe we're suppposed to find joy in that.
For my girl, I want her to know that I would do anything for Her. We are usually crossing the street so I can take her places that will be fun and good for her. And I want to make sure I protect her while getting there. Same with God- He is trying to take me places that are good.
I felt myself about to deny God's protecting hand in my life. I thought that his hand must be defected because it wasn't doing much to protect me from hurt this year... But it was protecting me the whole time, just in bigger ways. – from the cars.
I wasn't paying attention to the cars.
I may trip and things may not go ideally, but I am protected from eternal death and Satan’s grasp. While I was focused on my hand hurting and my tripping in the crosswalk, I wasn't noticing the giant cars that I was being protected from. I wasn't noticing Jesus' adventurous grin as He held my hand. I was focused on the ways that the world rejected me and then I was blaming God for putting me in the firing range.
Maybe that is the key to joy:
There are going to be big hurts in life...even if we are with God, holding His hand. Personally, there will be times where I will get mad at God for leading me to certain places and I will wonder if I can trust Him for doing so. That's just my nature. But the key is to remember that He is good, He loves us, and He is protecting us from the big stuff that really destroys. And maybe He is teaching us how to walk.
I want to focus more on all of the big things God always protects us from. I want my trust in Him and know that He is looking out for me despite the hardships I face. I don't want my trust in Him to be determined by whether my life seems easy and great.
Romans 8:18
For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us.
1 Peter 1:6-7
In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith- other greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire- may be be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Chris is revealed.